so, its not as easy as i thought it would be..

i figured that having the computer at home would make it easier to keep up with everything onliney but its proving harder than i imagined!

our days are full of lots of not much of anything, but it leaves little time for me to sit at the computer and really write anything. i finally downloaded all 786 pictures from my camera today! it was very exciting re-looking at pictures from the last 6 months or so...i can't even believe how much elwynn, ngaio and rue have grown up and changed! ngaio looked like a baby when rue was born..now she is all long and girlish, and not a baby much at all. elwynn has shorter hair and is getting big, finally..some days a few years past i thought he would be 2 feet tall forever.
rue is all movey and eatey these days...its flashing before my eyes. i don't want to blink and have my babies leaving home. ak. its a scary thought..well, i admit some days i wouldn't mind less mess and less noise, but mostly i do enjoy it, and i'm trying to just be in the moment and not miss anything. i recently read a blog of a mom who was in a plane crash with her husband.. they survived, but are in really rough shape. life as she knows it. changed. forever.
it can happen so fast.

i had a moment like that today. ngaio, rue and i were out on a walk and our dog finn ran out into the road and a car came so fast, even though it wasn't going very fast at all and HIT him. i was stunned. he got up and ran to me, but i was so scared. for that split second everything went in fast forward and slow motion at the same time. we were on a quiet country road where all of the dogs and kids run around on the road. ive never seen anything/anyone hit that close to me. it shook me to the core. he just has some damage on one of his legs and paws..he isn't in pain, i gave him rescue remedy right away and took him home to rest..but he could have died! it could have been one of the kids.... it was one of those life changing moments. not a huge thing, but something so small can change us forever.

so its 7 and almost time to do the bedtime thing.. i havn't been sleeping well..there is so much to lie awake and think about. i admit living without timothy is harder than i imagined it to be. mostly its okay but i get moments of panic and loneliness that feel pretty terrifying. its all just a lot to cope with alone. but ium trying and hoping that its just a temporary thing while we both regroup and do some healing and work..

on another note, i have become pretty obsessed with bach flower remedies.. i have about 10 books out from library and on loan from friends and im reading and reading any second i have the chance. its very fascinating..a lot like homeopathy (well it is homeopathy really) which is another passion of mine.. ive ordered the set of 38 remedies and im dreaming of making remedies for everyone i know.. waiting on mail is a hard thing to do!!

well, baby is sad and snotty and nursey, so ill be off,

love and revolution!

fern